Me and my body: letting go a pattern of 28 years

Creating a safety layer

Since I am 10 years old, I have had ‘Body-issues’. At that time in my life, I started to eat more, and put on weight. We just moved when I was 10 and for a short period of time I was being bullied at my new school. I did not feel save, so I found a way to create literally a safety layer around me, by eating. I was not fat but became slightly overweight (particularly around my belly). Later in my life I became quite fat (and I also have been quite slim as well, for instance when I was half the age I am now). Jo-jo-ing with my bodyweight became very common.

There it started at age 10: the misconception about my body, my worthiness and selflove…related to how I looked. Counting calories (started counting when I was in puberty – stopped counting when I was in puberty as well), dieting, dropping and gaining weight. Because of the bullying (happened again when I was in high school) and some genetic heritage and upbringing I developed a very strong ‘Perfectionist’. This part of me was – ofcourse-, only feeding this feeling of not being good enough.

Because of the bullying I also stopped to express myself freely. I became quite in the classroom, so my classmates would not notice me (which didn’t work ofcourse). Only with people I felt save; I was my ‘spontaneous self’.

The Root underneath my body-issues

Already a long time ago I discovered I was an emotional eater. Over the years I learned to make contact with my emotions, but still: I was compensating by eating. I ate to much, to fat and to much sugar. This pattern was very persistent and I was not able to go to the ‘deep root’ and change it permanently.  Some periods I went to the gym and did exercises quite fanatically. Usually I dropped weight and felt good about myself… shortly. Because I always  found a reason to not feel good about myself.

Accepting a ‘non-perfect’ body and working on ‘the Root’

The last years I have been working on my selfesteem and loving myself unconditionally. With my shortcomings including a ‘non-perfect’ body and becoming friends with ‘My Perfectionist’.

I’ve made a huge progress. From criticizing my breasts (not equal enough), my bum (to firm), my upperlegs (to thick), my face not beautiful enough (acne and a totally red face in surten situations – now by learning to express instead of block my emotions the passionate red colour 😉 disappaired from my face) my nose (to straight), my upper arms (hanging skin at upper arms), my belly (to big, to fat, to ugly) to embracing and even loving every bodypart of me. Except… my belly. I still have difficulty loving my belly. Funny enough, that is exacly the bodypart that has been growing the last few months. Like the Universe is testing me to take this Selflove to another level :-). Can I love myself, also with this soft round belly which is growing bigger?

Goddess Me including my soft round belly

The reason my belly has grown over the last few months is because I am in a process of letting go a lot (to read more: ‘‘whenyoursoultalks’). My theme of ‘safety’ (with all these emotions popping up in my transformation process) was really triggered. Untill last week this pattern of over-eating was very much alive in me, but I feel a change is coming! It’s already happening.

Creating my own challenge

Last spring I was really fed up with all the Facebook challenges. Business-, body-, meditation- challenges, etc. I became tired of this constant ‘Human- striving’ for: ‘better’ and ‘more.’ Thereby, in a way, saying that this moment, this result, this body, etc…is not good enough. At that point I deeply felt ‘Being’ became more important than ‘Doing.’ I needed time to go inwards.

It’s kind of funny…how I have created my own challenge now. To let go of basically everything (what has created safety in my life), surrender to what wants to happen and trust totally. And to learn to feel safe within myself.
Now, the motivation comes from within me and not from the outside. That makes a huge difference.

With letting go of my house, job, business, cat, furniture/stuff and people (temporarily or permanently) I feel the invitation to let go also literally: to let go of my extra weight. And to let go for once and for all, the underlying believe of being not good enough.

This sounds double right? If I feel good enough I would except my body, including my round overweight belly. On another level I can feel it has to do with owning, deep within, the fact that I am a Goddess. Deserving a Goddess Temple. Which means: I don’t need this extra layer anymore. It doesn’t serve me and I am worth a healthy body. And, I want to avoid health problems in the future (which can occur when I keep eating this much sugar and fat).

Participating in another challenge

1 november, 2 days before I fly to Texas, I officially start as a participant with a Facebook challenge: ‘a month without sugar’. Actually, I already started 6 days ago, when I moved out of my house.
So far, so good. I haven’t had a fall back and I really enjoy the food I am eating. I don’t miss sugar.  I feel very determined to change this pattern which I carry with me for 28 years now. Because I’ve come to a point where I feel: “I am worth it”! To have a healthy Goddess Temple where this Goddess (ME! 🙂 ) can rest in.

My health is the main goal to participate in this challenge. And ofcourse, I feel happy to drop weight which doesn’t serve me no more. I have already lost 1.5 kilo in 6 days, and I know more weight-loss will follow.  In this way I am working on creating a nutrition-pattern for myself, which will serve me for the rest of my life. After november I will continue eating without sugar. And working on feeding and nurturing this ‘seed’ inside which has started to blossom more and more. Especially the last year: that I am good enough. To fully blossom, this ‘seed’ could use even more TLC, so that’s what I will be giving her next months.

By putting it here in writing, you are a witness to this promise I have made to myself 🙂 To take care of myself the best way I possible can!

AHO!

* If this blog inspires you, I would love to hear about it. You are welcome to leave a response underneath. Thank you.

 

 

Comments

  1. Wia Flikweert says

    Lieve Femke, bedankt voor je openhartigheid . Ik word er gewoon blij van .

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