I’m dying… and it’s ok

I’m dying…and it’s ok. Yes, really. It’s ok.

Giving birth

Last summer a woman said to me:”Oh, you are going away for 9 months….it’s like a pregnancy.” I did not conciously plan it like this (not all pregnancies are conciously planned ofcourse 🙂 ) but when she mentioned this to me….I knew this journey was gonna be about giving birth to a “New-Me”.

In this ‘pregnancy’ I’m lossing weight instead of gaining it, that’s a very nice side effect. 🙂

As I’m writing this my journey in The States is coming in her 6th week. Parts of me are dying and yes, that’s in fact a good thing. I’m going through SO many layers of resistance, fear, shame, vulnerability….already in the first week so much was happening. And day by day, things keep happening.

The Universe says to me:” This is the time and this is the place to face everything and go through it all.” So she is putting every fear, believe, pattern, habit, emotion I have under a big magnefying glass so I can have a very close look at it and do something with it (when it’s no longer serving me in my life).

Scared little girl

Christa has a big part in this process of ‘dying’. She teaches me about how to work with horses but mostly she teaches me things about myself. In a very direct and honest way, which sometimes scares the freaking hell out of my ‘little girl’, Christa confronts me with my behaviour, questening my words or things I lack to do. She is very powerful in her energy and very persistent. She doesn’t let me get away with my bullshit. Exactly what I need, a ‘drillsergeant’ and I mean this in a very loving way.

This little girl in me wants to play and have fun. She is very good at that. However, at the moment she is mostly scared. Sacred of being hurt, excluded, misunderstood, unloved, left out, abonded so she’ll be all alone. She has the tendency to hide, make herself small, stop talking, go into pleasing behaviour or other strategies. Although I try to combine the two (releasing fears and be playfull with it) the fears come ‘out of the closet’ more at this time. Ok….so be it.

When I just arrived here I thought:” what have I been doing the last 38 years? And what about the last 10 years of all these courses and trainings on the personal development area? As if that didn’t teach me anything… Which is not true ofcourse, but it sometimes feels like that.

Discovering myself and the world all over again

The Universe really invites me to go into humility. Learn what needs to be learned, appreciate what needs to be appreciated and love what needs to be loved.

It feels like I’m discovering the world and myself all over. This image, this identity of myself…. I’m this wise, concious, loving woman…right? Well jippediejee… It turns out I’m not as wise, concious and loving as I thought. Auch…that hurts when you discover this.

Safety first

Another discovery I made, and that was quite a shock to me, is that in the root,  I don’t feel safe at all. Meaning I miss this essential feeling of feeling safe within myself, and thereby: in the world and with surten people.

I knew I still had some issues with ‘safety’ but I wasn’t aware of the amount of fears still lying underneath.

Because of basicaly letting go everything in the Netherlands to go on this journey, things became very visible so I have no other option than to face it, and work on it.

Over the years I surrounded myself, really wise I thought, with a lot of spiritual friends and aquentances. People who really understood me, where there was mutual nourishment with surten energy which I liked to be in and surround myself with. And yes, I was accepted more easily so I felt safe to be myself. Because these people had simular ideas about life, the world, spirituality and so on. In this way, I created a strong ‘safetybubble’ in which I could thrive. However, it cut me off from surten learning experiences with not -like minded people. And it made unvisible what needed to be seen: my feeling of unsafety.

Sharing shame

“Hi, I’m Femke, 38 years old and I don’t feel safe.” I feel shame about this. Not feeling safe within myself and within the world at my age.

I have been hesitating to share this blog and questioning myself: for what reason would I share this with you? It’s because I long to show the World the true me. Not some identity I created, showing only the parts of myself I think will be appreciated or the parts I like about myself. This sharing with you is one step, of many steps I’m taking. To release my true self.

I’m working in all sorts of ways on feeling safe within. More about that some other time.

Although it seems like I’m having a hard time over here (which sometimes I do haha, have to be honest) ofcourse there are moments I have fun as well. I enjoy being outdoors a lot, cuddling the horses and dogs, doing al kinds of chores, the trips I have made so far with Christa, etc.

I feel very blessed to be here, to learn so much and be able to enjoy the Texas’ weather 🙂

Love to you! Till next time.

 

 

Comments

  1. Wia flikweert says

    I’m so proud of you. I enjoy reading your story. Did you noticed you changed the word scared in to sacred. I think that’s interesting. Los of love 💖 Wia

    • Thank you Wia for your loving words.
      Scared turned into sacred…. I didn’t change that, the tablet did haha, but maybe it says something that I didn’t see that change in word 😉

      big hug to you,
      Femke

  2. Set yourself free!!!! Big hug!

  3. So… NOW is the right time to be born again!
    Halleluja! Be blessed, be you! 🙂

  4. marieke van sprundel says

    I love your new you (too, ;-))…

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