Coming home

I am not writing these words in Texas. Neither in Peru. As John Lennon once said:” Life is what happens to you, while you’re busy making other plans.”

The plan was to be on a journey abroad for almost 9 months… In less then 2 months I returned home. And I’m totally ok with that ( after processing some feelings of disappointment at first).

Writing these words… does feel a bit surreal somehow. Like I have hopped on to some other dimension, in a ‘time-machine’ and then back home again. It feels like ages…that I was scooping poo in tshirts and shorts and cuddling with the horses 🙂 In reality it has been ‘only’ a bit more over 4,5 weeks since I returned back home (funny thing with ‘Time’). On Christmasmorning I landed on Dutch Earth again, surprising my family. 

My time in Texas, to sum it up in 1 word, was: ‘challenging’. A few people asked me:” Did you had fun?” To be honest: ” Hardly.” Mostly it was challenging, uncomfortable (in that moment), fast… In a very high speed, transformational stuff was going on. I could hardly keep up with the pace some higher Intelligence (call it God, the Universe or whatever) had in store for me.

I believe I got exactly the experience I needed to have at this point in my life. And it turned out…I didn’t need 9 months for that.

Before I left, I felt something ‘wanted to happen’ in my life. And so it did. Changes on psychical, mental, emotional and spiritual level. In which amount and speedlevel… ofcourse I did not knew in advance.

The switching point in Texas

3 days before Christmas, I had a very frustating afternoon in Texas. Christa was giving me a lesson with the horses and I felt completely blocked. Nothing worked and I was not able to step out of a ‘freeze-mode’. After that lesson Christa and I got in a conflict, again.

Our characters….let’s put it mildly, where not the easiest to combine. Combined with the fact that I was comletely out of my comfortzone (with the horses, with the place were I was staying, depending on this family, the method of Christa and how I reacted on that) that made it a challenge to stay connected with eachother.

After that last conflict unfortunately we could not find our way back to eachother. I think to much already happened and it was enough at that point. That’s when I felt I needed to go back home. To get some rest, from all the crazy high speed transformational stuff and get a new fresh perspective on things that happened. And then, out of that silent space, feel, what wanted to happen next. Maybe still go to Peru… Not as a ‘tourist’ (I have been there twice already). Neither because my Ego wanted to proof something, to myself or anyone else. No, if I would choose to still go to Peru ( or any other place) it would be because I would feel ‘a calling’ to go there. Some weeks have passed since my return and I can clearly feel I need to continue ‘my journey’ in my homecountry at the moment.

What I have learned

My time in Texas, and the months before, when I let go of a lot in my life, showed me some things. A few of them I would like to share with you:

1. I AM LOVABLE

Despite my mistakes, flaws, screw-ups, fears ( besides my talents, passion, humor,etc…you know…those things about yourself which are easy to love) I am ok! I am a good person, which sometimes makes mistakes. It doesn’t make me a bad person. It makes me human. For a long time, I have been striving to be this perfect human being. Dealing with disappointment a lot, as a result.

In the past, before I left, I might have judged this journey as a ‘mistake.’ Now I see it as an experience. A shorter one then I originally planned… but still, an experience which I learned a lot from. I don’t regret decisions I’ve made before ( as a preparation) or coming back earlier. This all needed to happen and I feel gratitude for all the things I learned and the changes I was able to make in my life. And yes…some things still need time…to process, to integrate, to heal.

This experience actually helped me to accept the fact:” I’m not perfect and never will be.” This doesn’t mean I stop being aware of my behaviour, thoughts and how that influences myself or others. It does not mean I’m excusing myself in advance for mistakes I will be making in the future. What it does mean: I choose to forgive myself, and not keep hanging into selfjudgements. And while I’m at it, I’m working on forgiving others as well for choices they made which I felt hurt by. Although at times it’s a challenge, for my mind or my heart… I know forgiveness is the key towards love. And I want to choose love over anger, frustation or distrust.

2. IT’S OK TO TRUST MY TRUTH, WALK  IN MY OWN PACE AN GO WITH MY INSTINCTS

I have been on a journey of selfdiscovery for more then 10 years now. I have done a lot of courses and workshops, got to know a lot of different healingmethods and came across a lot of teachers.

In search of my true Essence, I have put a lot of trust in otherone’s opinion. For a long time I have been searching for ‘something’ outside of myself. Out of insecurity of trusting myself and my truth.

I feel something important has changed here. Working through masks and layers, dropping non-supporting patterns and false safetymechnisms I feel the love I feel towards myself (and friends and family) has grown. I feel more what’s inside of me, instead of focussing to much on ‘outside’. I take more time for surten things.

3. ASK FOR HELP

Until 3 months ago I basically did most things in life on willpower. I started asking for help and guidance… to the spirit world. There lies so much more power then only the individual power I hold. I believe everyone of us has Guides in life. You can call it angels, God, some higher Intelligence….it doesn’t matter how you call it but I know, I have felt, this Energyfield of Love and support. It’s huge, endless, abundantly present…for me and for you as well. If you ask from your heart, not from your Ego, you are being supported. However, it can take some time before you receive what you’ve asked for. This can be a challenge…practicing patience 🙂 

What’s next

At the moment I’m working on creating a new life in the Netherlands. I already received a very nice place to stay for the next couples of months. I will be house-sitting in Utrecht. Thank you D. for giving me this oppurtunity and your trust. I have to find a new job to get my talents blooming and blossoming 🙂 and the cash flow running again. Ofcourse any help there is highly appreciated… will share on FB soon what I have to offer and what ‘m looking for.

And I have some ideas of projects or activities that I want to work on. I would love to share my gifts and talents more with the world. When the time is right, things will be manifested. First things first.

Going literally a couple of thousand miles from home…made me actually feel coming home within myself more. How cool is that!

 

Comments

  1. Your story is beautiful and inspiring, just like you are! <3

  2. Wia flikweert says:

    Welcome home. I’m so proud of you.

  3. Anya says:

    Thank you for sharing your Journey & Wisdom! How Beautiful you are Sister!!!

    Infinit Love & Blessings 🙂 ~ ~ ~ * * *

Speak Your Mind

*